It's being quite difficult to define myself, to find the silence between so much caffeine, so much noise, and so many people. So many love texts on my phone which mean loneliness or waste or games or what.
stopped believing in the salvation which would come from out there. I
was raised in this thought, in this belief. They said, "Pray." They
said, "Be good and you will be rewarded." They said, "All will be given
to you; you are blessed."
But it was a lie because my mom's God
was a little and arrogant gold one that only blessed virgins. And I
ceased being a virgin very young. Even so, I prayed every night. Even
so, I knelt in the church, and I promised him that I would not do it
Cum thinking of men using me.
later, in the night, when my lover (of course much older than me)
caressed me, I felt ashamed. I didn't want to remove my clothes because
my mom said that God watched. Because my mom said that my grandma who
was in heaven (to God's right because she was pure) watched also.
who wants her grandma watching her saying: "Fuck me," or "I love you, I
will always love you" (when "always" means "until I cum and you cum and
I recover my common sense").
My mom taught me the weight of the
flesh. The sin. The dirty. Because God was golden, and I could see
myself reflected in his majesty like a deformed girl with a deformed
However, my daddy said to me that God was not good for me,
because gold sinks in the sea. He said gold was not good; it was better
to be made of wood. Like himself.
And I believed him. And I
wanted him as my raft, but he drifted away, driving by internal waves,
pushed by winds. And I realized that he was happy in different lands,
and I realized that he knew the world, and I realized that over the
years he became weak and the sea splintered his strength. I tried to fix
him with my hands, but they were too small. And my dad crumbled between
I closed my eyes and forgot his remains on the
shore. I closed my eyes and got rid of my mom's shame. Undressing.
Saying to this one and to that one, "Touch me, I don't mind." Look at
me, God; they are touching me, but I no longer belong to you; I'm not
your daughter anymore, because I no longer pray. Because I don't expect
anything from you, neither from the gold nor from the wood.